Stairway To Heaven (or A Matter Of Life And Death)

“Are you pretty June?”
“I’m not bad”

The Future

Miranda July is my hair twin.

No Reservations

I have at least one reservation – Catherine Zeta Jones is Kathleen Turner minus 20 years, any charm and a soul. Right? Right?

Jump In

You know that time you thought it would be a good idea to make a film about skipping but then you sobered up? YOU DIDN’T SOBER UP FAST ENOUGH

Iron Man 3

The most concise review you will ever read.

Pieces Of April

It looks like her boob leaked a latte

C’Mon Man

Edited by a sociopath with ADHD with the rushes from the bin. Wow.

Game Of Thrones

Winter is coming

Vamps

The film equivalent of a Saturday afternoon in H&M on Oxford Street

Beauty And The Briefcase

Wow. It’s like someone asked my 74-year-old uncle who ‘likes ’em young’ to write a film about a woman! who gets a job! This is feminism’s worst nightmare, impressively bad and not in a good way

Trollied

I always wanted to be a checkout girl, it’s one of my life’s most achievable un-achieved ambitions.

The Guilt Trip

Pirate Jude and her mum think…

Happythankyoumoreplease

Even if Josh Radnor got properly famous he’d still be a total nobody but the rest of the cast make up for him…

Party Down

Judd Apatow’s B-List meet up and make jokes…

Casablanca (Future Cinema)

As close to time travel as you can get without Einstein

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel

What the FAQ is this?

The Book Of Mormon

Finally, proof that religion is stupid and abject racism is funny…

Seven Pounds

The opposite of The Pursuit Of Happyness

Waiting

How do you feel about Justin Long? I know right?!

Robin

I heart the ’90s like a two tone t-shirt…

Traffic Light

Some people will say it’s sexist, I say shut up and bring me some chocolate and high heels and then go fix the car and take out the rubbish

Marcel, King Of Tervuren

A short film about a rooster

This Is 40

This is fucking terrible

Funny People

The good, the bad and the Sandler…

Sleepwalk With Me

A comedian starts sleepwalking, hilarity ensues…

Dead Like Me

Terrible actor like you…

Dredd

Warning: May contain nerds

Real Steel

Foxy boxing robots. So Saturday…

Dorm Life

5 minutes per slice…

Drive

Pffffft…

Wrist cutters: A Love Story

The thin, dotted line where suicide meets comedy…

Like Water For Chocolate

Hi brow, como esta?…

Pushing Daisies

Pretty much the opposite of Dexter except for equally irritating narration

Down With Love

Bubblegum for your brain…

Rubber

Wheel surreal…

Branded

Yikes…

Stranger Than Fiction

The film equivalent of a GNER train to Leeds…

Oz

Adebisi will f*ck yo sh*t up (if he hasn’t already)…

God Bless America

It’s not subtle, but Fuck subtle…

Step Up

Is Channing a verb?..

Silver Linings Playbook

Stephen Fry rated it so now I think my opinion must be wrong. Having said that, they cure depression with dancing. Just sayin’…

I Give It A Year

NO…

Django

Bang bang. N word. Bang…

The Fall

Big budget fairy tale colourama…

Tucker And Dale Vs Evil

Horror comedy that’s actually funny if not a tiny bit stupid. Puts the ‘ha’ in hangover, and the errr…

Rock Star

Are you 11 years old and gagging for a career in music? Oh my god they made a film about your wet dream where you’re Marky Mark but you’re talented and your manager is Jen.if.er. Aniston.

Fired Up!

A comedy version of Bring It On, what’s not to like…

Somewhere

In Hollywood, people are driving about…

Ted

Good sober, better stoned…

Another Earth

Sshhh I’m watching a movie…