Wonder Woman

Walking with The Cinemile

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Arrival

Amy Adams does mushrooms and goes deep into her coffee table

La La Land

People walk around LA (NO THEY DON’T SILLY)

Spectre

Reject

The Voices

Where we learn, yet again, that the best way to have a meaningful relationship with a woman is to cut her f*cking head off.

The Boy Next Door

Smirk

The Other Woman

HOW DARE THIS FILM BE QUITE GOOD

They Came Together

Warning: Incredulous eyebrow ache guaranteed

Snowpiercer

3 out of 4 people agreed this was the worst film they’d ever seen (the 4th was asleep).

Monuments Men

This is to films as Nespresso is to coffee – weak

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

It’s like sitting on a bus that is taking a scenic route, you’re happy to look out the window, but you’re happier when it gets to your stop.

This Is The End

It’s a shame John Cusack didn’t show up and get killed, he still owes us for 2012.

Hall Pass

Jason Sudeikis, go home.

Bachelorette

Refreshing and baffling in equal measure – like a margarita

Trance

Huh? Is that… Wait… What?

Oblivion

No one cares Tom, No one.

The Bling Ring

Emma Watson done a burgle – Pirate Jude

Limitless

If there’s a drug that makes Bradley Cooper interesting, you should take it before watching this

Eat Pray Love

Aaaaaaaaarrrgh

What To Expect When You’re Expecting

Expect the expected and have low expectations.

Grown Ups

C*nts

The Hangover (Part three)

The Hangover (Part meh)

Viva Forever

Viva Briefly.

Star Trek Into Darkness

The third best Star Trek film, after Star Trek 1 and Galaxy Quest

Iron Man 3

The most concise review you will ever read.

Game Of Thrones

Winter is coming

The Guilt Trip

Pirate Jude and her mum think…

Casablanca (Future Cinema)

As close to time travel as you can get without Einstein

The Book Of Mormon

Finally, proof that religion is stupid and abject racism is funny…

This Is 40

This is fucking terrible

Funny People

The good, the bad and the Sandler…

Silver Linings Playbook

Stephen Fry rated it so now I think my opinion must be wrong. Having said that, they cure depression with dancing. Just sayin’…

I Give It A Year

NO…

Django

Bang bang. N word. Bang…

Ted

Good sober, better stoned…

Wanderlust

This is so fucking vanilla it hurts. It’s the cinematic equivalent of an ice cream headache, you were so excited to have that delicious creamy goodness that you crammed too much in your face and now you have a migraine. You have nobody to blame but yourself and your dessert is ruined. RUINED…

Push

Some cool powers in tight jeans with Dakota Fanning and loud noises…

Les Miserable

La la la. Boo hoo. Ad Nauseam…

Life Of Pi

WHO CARES

Seven Psychopaths

‘Put your hands in the air’
‘No’
‘Why not?’
‘I don’t want to’…

Moneyball

Sports and maths together at last…