Wonder Woman

Walking with The Cinemile

Arrival

Amy Adams does mushrooms and goes deep into her coffee table

La La Land

People walk around LA (NO THEY DON’T SILLY)

Spectre

Reject

That Awkward Moment

You realise you’d like to smell Zac Efron. Damn it Zac

Friday Night Lights

Clear eyes, full hearts, Friday Night Lights

The Voices

Where we learn, yet again, that the best way to have a meaningful relationship with a woman is to cut her f*cking head off.

The Boy Next Door

Smirk

Kingsman: The Secret Service

Tory porn

Man Seeking Woman

Boy seeking bitch slap

Entourage

Free lobotomy with every episode

Chef

The haunting tale of a young boy in the back of a van, with nothing but Twitter to educate him.

The Ugly Truth

Hatherine Keigl has a lot to answer for.

Silicon Valley

Nerds, HBO style.

Movie 43

FUCK YOU, HUMANITY.

The Other Woman

HOW DARE THIS FILM BE QUITE GOOD

They Came Together

Warning: Incredulous eyebrow ache guaranteed

Orphan Black

Attack of the clones

Snowpiercer

3 out of 4 people agreed this was the worst film they’d ever seen (the 4th was asleep).

Monuments Men

This is to films as Nespresso is to coffee – weak

True Detective

A hearty hat tip to whoever coined the term ‘McConaughaissance’

Her

This is very good. Look! We said something nice!

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

It’s like sitting on a bus that is taking a scenic route, you’re happy to look out the window, but you’re happier when it gets to your stop.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The opposite of a ‘must see’

A Night At The Roxbury

Did you just grab my ass?

Boardwalk Empire

I wonder what Steve Buscemi looks like when he’s fucking, said no one, ever.

The Way Way Back

One of those films nobody really understands so they say it’s amazing in case they look stupid.

After Earth

Press play, fast forward for two hours, the end.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

The mediocre Burt Snoozeystone

Once Upon A Time

Ha ha – Magic is coming? No, silly, Winter is coming, magic went home ages ago

Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D

This review has porn in it! and exclamation marks! and outside voices!

This Is The End

It’s a shame John Cusack didn’t show up and get killed, he still owes us for 2012.

Spring Breakers

I can’t stop thinking about this film

Hall Pass

Jason Sudeikis, go home.

Bachelorette

Refreshing and baffling in equal measure – like a margarita

Trance

Huh? Is that… Wait… What?

Oblivion

No one cares Tom, No one.

Quicksilver

Bacon on a bike

The Bling Ring

Emma Watson done a burgle – Pirate Jude

Limitless

If there’s a drug that makes Bradley Cooper interesting, you should take it before watching this

Eat Pray Love

Aaaaaaaaarrrgh

What To Expect When You’re Expecting

Expect the expected and have low expectations.

Flakes

Go home Hollywood, you’re drunk

Grown Ups

C*nts

Morning Glory

FYI at no point does anyone make any reference to erections, but Patrick Wilson is in it (boner)

The Holiday

Heavy on the rom, light on the com; the cinematic equivalant of knitted Alpaca slippers

The Hangover (Part three)

The Hangover (Part meh)

Beautiful Creatures

How to make feminists cross and everyone else yawn

Viva Forever

Viva Briefly.

Star Trek Into Darkness

The third best Star Trek film, after Star Trek 1 and Galaxy Quest