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Star Trek 2 sees Sherlock Holmes, here voiced by the dragon from the Hobbit, give a heartfelt reading in the role of Alan Rickman (c.1992) a man awoken from deep space sleep only to discover himself the subject of the least surprising twist in marketing  cinematic history.

Naturally he’s pissed and consequently engages in the kind of flagrant skulduggery reserved for megalomaniacal Russians in the 80s, Colombian Drug Barons in the 90s and anyone with the cheek to worship the other guy since 9/11.

Perhaps this is forward thinking; a white, western, upper class male cast as an ideologically misshapen, terrorist zealot? Maybe this is science fiction raising important questions about the world around us and challenging our preconceptions about race, religion, war and gender poli…

Oh wait, there’s Alice Eve in her bra and knickers. Never mind. Carry on.

Suffice to say Sherlock loses his shit.

Luckily the crew of the Starship Enterprise are on hand to run, jump, fall, fly, quip, snog, cry, shout, sulk and shoot around the galaxy with such an abundance of energy that Holmes is eventually forced back into hibernation just to get a break from it all.

That was a spoiler.

Except we’ve seen all of this so many times that the notion of a spoiler is rendered obsolete. Your mind will be churning out spoilers at a rate of 24 frames per second as it uses your own memory to accurately predict exactly what’s about to happen (bastard memory, ruining it for the rest of you).

So why worry? Like the roller coaster you’ve decided to ride for the eighth time in an hour there may be no surprises left and the odds of you throwing up a gutload of sugar may have increased exponentially, but that’s not the point – the fact is it’s still got some fuck off drops in it and the kind of turns that will put your stomach where your teeth should be. Which is why you bought the ticket in the first place right?

Sure it doesn’t make much sense. Sure it could be a lot better than it is and we should expect more from the talent involved, but whilst it may be depressing that this is one of the best things Hollywood’s firing out, that doesn’t make it less true.

Cheer up you grumpy fucker.  It’s just Star Trek.

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